Dirty Little Secrets

To write or to snuggle. The grand struggle of all writer mamas.

Today I was going to confess all my dirty little secrets.

Step into my little blog space here and use it like a type of confessional, unloading all of the ways I have failed in life. As a mother, wife, writer, friend, feminist.  I am all of these things and not particularly great at any of them. I wanted to try to elaborate on all of these things that haunt me day to day. To discuss all of the things I let slip as each day finds a way to get away from me. Lay it in front of me to find some master plan to victory, self discovery and a release of guilt. Say 10 "Hail Marys" and an "Amen," or whatever it is folks do after a confessional, I'm sorry to say I'm naïve about such things as I've only seen them in the movies.

Instead I took a nap.

Not intentionally mind you. I meant to just lay my head down with the little miss to comfort her to nap herself. Gulping down a bottle nestled close to me with one hand down my shirt and on my boob, the standard snuggle position for the two of us. I was listening to her "gulp, gulp, exhale, inhale" (repeat) rhythmic ways and then before I knew it, I reopened my eyes and an hour had passed.

Just like that.

I could sit her and ruminate on the irony of it all. Maybe wag a pointed finger at my subconscious for it's self destructive ways.
Or, I could just call it how it is. I was a tired mama. Up early after a restless night to take Connor to his Occupational Therapy appointment and just plain pooped. Sometimes coffee isn't a cure all for what ails you. The hours catch up to you and your body tells you to slow down. So instead of catching up on laundry and minding my deadlines.

I took a nap.

Lean In

 

I've always considered myself a creative type.

At times I've lost my way, allowed distractions and obstacles along life's journey to make me forget the importance of the creative process to my very being. It's toxic, not finding time to create. Lush scenery begs to be placed into a story whether by way of words, or paints, or photographs--the scenery demands to be a part of the narrative with silent whispers and grand gestures.

 In recent years I found myself with a growing animosity. Not towards any one thing or person but that kernel of self-doubt grew, doubled in size and began to consume me. I couldn't decide if it was my lack of professional success that triggered it after a series of unsuccessful attempts at finding an appropriate home for my specific skill set or if it was the transition into stay at home, work from home motherhood status that left me feeling less valuable as a person. There's no reason that these things should affect me on such a negative scale, but they did and it was not only affecting my well-being but the dynamics of my family life.

 Something had to change.

Knowing this, I've been elbows deep in the journey of finding myself as a creative again. Writing more words, encouraging other artists to do the same and I have come to a conclusion. For myself and many others, in order to grow one must make themselves uncomfortable. Find the discomfort and lean in.

I've captured glimpses of my own discomfort peeking over my shoulder in the last year, making the leap with me to try something new and place myself in the midst of it all. This is an unfamiliar feeling. It is a scary feeling. It is uncomfortable most of all. A voice that shakes to match my quivering hands and a racing heart drumming the foundation of a soundtrack that throws up red flags and commands me to run for my life. I recognize this in some of my peers as well.

Upward and onward I strive to journey.

So I,

 Lean in.

It's like a workout. When you work out your muscles you break the tissue down, tear it, stretch it and it mends together stronger, more resilient. Leaning into the discomfort emotionally and psychologically is no different. As a sensible person I've placed things that make me uncomfortable into compartments, stored them in tidy bins, mentally tucking them away where they cause me zero discomfort. In the process of writing my memoir, (something I've decided to do after reading "The Rules of Inheritance" and listening to author, Claire Bidwell Smith talk during my first retreat experience Write: Doe Bay) I began to peel back the lids of some of those bins, peer inside and rediscover things that I had felt as though I'd come to terms with them. Little did I know how much revisiting those moments would affect me.

I found myself reliving a memory, a painful moment in my childhood that has seemed like hardly an issue since its occurrence. Pen to paper, in a room ocean side surrounded by my peers, I found myself with a sob stifled, stuck in my throat on the cusp. Too large to be swallowed down, the room too full to let the tears flow. Instead I stood up, walked outside to take in the fresh air and realized that this is a part of the creative process. These moments are a prerequisite to the journey of genuine creation.

It'll blindside you.            

The Journey of Sophia Grace (mostly a photo blog)

 

I am fortunate in life.

I have an amazing and beautiful family.

And amazing and beautiful friends that I consider extended family. They are a small group but are an important and lovely part of my children's lives.

One of these friends is one of my favorite people and exceptionally talented as well.  

When she mentioned her desire to photograph a labor and delivery how could I say no?

The images below are a few I'm willing to share. But overall I'm excited to have images like these to share with my daughter one day. Her entry into this world was well documented.

You can see more work from this fabulous photographer at

 http://poeticspectreimaging.blogspot.com/

 

 

This has some deeper meaning that makes me smile. Tiffany is all too familiar with the circumstances and understands how appropriate this day happens to be.

 

 

The view of Tacoma from Saint Joes is amazing. All four of my children were born here.

 

 

Connor is a big brother now!

Big Brother Andrew

Big Sister Moira

Aunt Bonnie

 

One Month Old Sophia Grace Casella.

 

Gestational Diabetes is a Jerk Face

So here I am in the tail end of pregnancy number four....yes I know I look fabulous right?!

 

All kidding aside, in past pregnancies I've always felt like I was a damn fine baby making machine. Healthy nuggets, feeling good, minimal negative pregnancy symptoms, etc. etc.

 

Sadly with this pregnancy I cannot boast to such an amazing experience. Granted, things aren't all bad-I didn't experience any level of morning sickness however I've felt exceptionally fatigued--gotten pregnancy acne!--and have had crazy mood swings. It's amazing I haven't slashed someone's tires or told someone to burn in hell outright. Seriously, it's a little madness inside my body right now. To add to the list of things that bum me out is now Gestational Diabetes. I gotta say, I'm a lotta surprised. I don't have a stellar diet, but it's not half bad and I've only gained a total of 10 pounds so all of these things I assumed would contribute to pregnancy induced diabetes are really a non issue....it wasn't even on my radar....so after an extra visit to the lab and more blood work the last thing I expected to hear was that I was indeed positive.

 

BOO. Atop from meaning I am now 85% more likely to develop adult onset diabetes (again, what! This isn't even a thing in my reality), it also increases the risk of my soon to be little person of developing it AND it means some major lifestyle changes.

 

For instance:

 

No Cereal (PERIOD) not the "good" kind or the bad kind--none. This is difficult as it is my breakfast and often my go to for late night snack. Good bye cereal.

 

None of the following:

bananas

potatoes

white rice

pasta

bagels, white breads

corn

carrots

fruit juices

sweets

etc............

I'm to check off the top 20 items on the glycemic index.

 

Initially my mind translates that to mean this:

 

Don't get me wrong, lettuce is A-Okay....but c'mon.

 

Breakfasts MUST include a source of protein and limited amounts of fruit. This does not really equate to convenient to me. This bums me out. It also means I need a new blender so that I can depend on the most convenient source of protein in the a.m. protein shakes! *bacon is a protein right? Likely not the lifestyle change they are looking for me to make I'm guessing*

 

Lunch is, oooh get this salads! with protein.....but I've never been a salad girl. Ever. Never Ever. Damn.

 

Dinner? You guessed it salads....or hearty versions there of. Dinner may also include a large portion of veggies and a small bit of protein. God Damn it.....still bummed.

 

I'm always baffled by how people make these dietary decisions. Just looking at it makes me want to sob.

 

My name is Jackie and I'm a carb addict.

 

I will be sharing my dietary adventures and keep you posted on the all super yum things I'm sure to come across regardless of my current state of disappointment.

 

 

Update:

Here's that super rad list of the delicious things I cannot eat....it includes cantaloupe!

 

Foods containing sugar	honey, molasses, & corn syrup.
Fruits -	bananas, melons, pineapple, raisins
Vegetables -	potatoes, corn, carrots, beets, turnips, parsnips
Breads -	all white breads, all white flour products, corn breads
Grains -	rice, rice products, millet, corn, corn products
Pasta -	thick, large pasta shapes
Cereals -	all cereals except those on the Low GI List below
Snacks -	potato chips, corn chips, popcorn, rice cakes, pretzels
Alcohol -	beer, liqueurs, all liquor except red wine

 

 

 

A Little Naughty, A Little Nice~A Flavor Matrimony Made in Hot Wing Heaven

I've been neglecting my wingdom duties.

 

Round two of the Wing Challenge brings us to Crockett's Public House. Now, why no one made the suggestion to visit this gastropub in Puyallup I couldn't tell you, because these wings are well deserving of some air time.

Another assignment brought me to Crockett's casual BBQ diner vibe but when I spied Honey Siracha Wings on the menu there was NO way I was walking out of those doors without trying them.

 

These meaty chicken bits are perfectly cooked with a nice crisp outer layer and tender well cooked meat within.

Their house made recipe is a combo of honey and siracha that is nicely balanced. With things such as this someone could walk away horribly disappointed as the wrong recipe could leave you overwhelmed or missing one or the other. This is not the case.

The siracha gives these wings a flavorful heat that is far superior to the vinegar-y Franks Red Hot traditional wing sauce you come to expect with most hot wings. And the honey is a nice treat, naturally sweet and flavorful making the siracha an adequate but manageable level of spicy.

 

Each order of wings is served with their housemade ranch which is creamy and delicious and a side of coleslaw. While not a lover of slaw this slaw is a nice traditional coleslaw and will be well liked by those who dig it.

 

 

Insert the Sound of me Squealing Like a Little Girl Full of Delight

Like many of you, or so I'd like to think, I will often troll around the interwebs aimlessly. It's usually in an attempt to get my brain out of a fog and distract me from staring onto an empty computer screen awaiting words that should make sentences but have alluded me.

Anyways, today I was aimlessly floating about cyberspace reading about Erin Morgenstern. Having recently ready her novel, "The Night Circus," I wanted to cyberstalk her a bit......
this blog post isn't really about her though, rather something I found reading her blog.

I discovered FLUFFY COWS!

Anyone that is close to me knows that I have a soft spot in my heart for cows. Look at em, with their big ole eyes and sweet dispositions, how could one not love them. I've never been that girl that loved horses, although they are very sweet and majestic creatures. And I am DEFINITELY not in any risk of being a cat lady. Cats are okay, at best, they just aren't for me. Our aloof ways would not compliment each other. BUT cows on the otherhand.....gah, love em. And just when I though they were the best of all the animal kingdom I come across this?! A fluffy cow~One day I will be that old lady with the bagillion grandkids who come to visit the cow who lives in my backyard.

One day, you will be mine fluffy cow.

Reflection on my "Craft"

I have had a deep admiration of the written word since I can remember. This is not to say I'm a word master. My vocabulary is not esspecially verbose. I do not pretend to carefully craft words so that I may appear an intellecual giant among my peers.

Simply put, I like words.

Storytelling has always been a love of mine. Poetry swept me off my feet during times of what I perceived as angst in my teen years. And journaling has always been an aspect of my daily rituals.

I've been fortunate enough to have the opportunity not only to share my words but sometimes receive compensation. Let's face it, in a time when anyone can start a blog and many of those are far more well versed and talented than I, to have the opportunity to call writing, "work" is a blessing.

I was sitting here and pondering all of these things and began to read some of my most memorable articles over the last few years. I say most memorable because they may not be the "best" or even my favorite but they've stuck with me.

Here's just a few:

This link in particular sticks with me because there's a deeply personal aspect to it (I had chosen two originally but it seems as though one link is no longer live). The content includes my children. Anytime a parent is discussing parenting it is and should be a very personal experience. Parenting styles are open to interpretation, they are judged with great vigor and not everyone is going to agree with you. Regardless of how adamant you are in your specific set of moral standards and actions, there is no "right" answer that applies to all parents or all children. It's completely subjectional. Also when writing about your children, in perhaps an imperfect perception, you're admitting what some may view as a weakness. But really any parent knows it's not all fun and games and cute babies and the woes of parenting far outgrow the pooping, puking, loss of sleep and generic "burdens" of parenting.

School Yard Fist Fights

My husband is a fierce music lover. In particular he loves him the Black Keys, he has a broad taste of music but most definitely was on a Black Keys (and anyone influenced by the Black Keys) kick for a time. When we attended one of their smaller concerts I took it as an opportunity to write a review. Not simply because it was an amazing live show but they had just reached #1 status for iTunes sales and the Billboard charts.

My husband naturally LOVED this piece. It was the first of many that he would be like "Oh, Honey" and hug me. His mother was a writer as well and found a fair amount of success writing for publications and even publishing several cook books. Yes, he married his mother. Funny how that happens.

The Black Keys~Sweet Music to my Ears

My first ever real life feature in the Weekly Volcano was bourbon based, naturally. The link is a bit wonky now due to the Weekly Volcano merging with The Ranger though I must say I really enjoyed that article. A. It was about my favorite libation and boasting of new distilleries here in the PNW. B. It included one of my favorite interviews, and interviews for me is something I struggle with a little bit. I understand that I am simply compiling information to include in a piece but I can't help but always feel like I have no place interviewing people. It's an odd sensation for me. This is a close second as far as my feature pieces are concerned. It was a fun adventure, included phenomenal company and the people simply must be informed of such things. Isn't that why we become writers to begin with? To share with the reader?! Besides, even if I had not written it, it's a piece that I would enjoy reading.

Taste Testing Tacoma and Gig Harbor Brews

The next one served as an "AHA!" moment. I had the pleasure of working with some great editors. Some will take your piece to the chopping block and spew out a bit that hardly resembles your voice, your words, your perspective. I've felt different ways about this. Sometimes I feel like, "Shit, that would be in the TV Guide, don't put my name on that." Other times I've have seen the changes made and felt like "DAMN! They made me sound like a genius. Noted." Both are going to happen I suppose and it's all about content, voice and what is relevant for that specific publication. The first of these two was one that the editor served as almost a mentor and professor for me. She took a piece I had originally written and given me advice on how to better improve. The final product was FAR better than the original. The second piece is an edited version of a show review I've shared on my blog already. It's a prime example of an editor changing a piece that morphed it into something far superior. Let's face it, I need and love my editors. They put up with my crap, teach me divine lessons and allow me to continue submitting.

1022 Cocktail Hour

Tacoma Cathedrals


Anyways, there are plenty of other pieces I'd love to share and some far better than these but really the point is that not every piece is going to be a masterpiece. You have to type, scribble and write away~once in awhile you're going to look at something and see the brilliance and other times that brilliance will seem juvenile and amateur and that's a good thing. This means you're growing. Don't even be so good at something you don't think that this is a positive thing.