I kiss the snuffalupugus lids of my youngest, take in her sweet baby smells, stroke her curly blondish lockes and remind myself how finite these moments are with our children.
I sneak in moments like these with my 5 year old boy while he still allows and with the teens I get caught gazing at them in moments of awe at their presence. They can be talking about school, or a new videogame and it will occur to me that these people were once tiny little humans who loved me unconditionally. And I them.
This journey of parenting is unpredictable. Before you had children, or if you haven't yet you have undoubtedly professed what kind of parent you're not going to be or promised to be nothing like your parents. You want to be a cool parent. The epitome of loving, nurturing and understanding. All of those things that we idealize in parents.
Truth be told being a mother has tired me straight to the bone. My soul aches when I think of all the ways I have failed my children and all the ways I will continue to fail them even as I attempt to learn and grow myself.
I console myself by recognizing my attempts to do better than my own parents. I accept that I am only human, deeply flawed and well intentioned. Being a mother is singlehandedly the most rewarding journey in life and simultaneously manages to also be the most thankless.
As a mother of four I am realizing that each of their life journeys will be vastly different and the obstacles we meet together so diverse from one another's that my previous experience will have no practical application.
We will meet each bad decision, self inflicted wound and grand injustice each day, anew.
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